you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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