vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
