I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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