puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
