honey bunches of taint.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
