Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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