I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
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I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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