so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
