this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
