I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can I color on your dick again?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
