i wish starbucks made bloody marys
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
