thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
