one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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