Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
