seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
my liver is dry heaving
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
