The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
