Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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