Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
