I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
