i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
