she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
