Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
