The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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