I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
