When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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