what day is it and did you see me today?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
