i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
