in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
