Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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