Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
