If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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