i think my mom watched the whole time
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
