you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
