hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
