Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
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I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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