Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
