I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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