I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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