just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
