he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
