i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
