Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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