you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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