I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
