My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I party with great urgency now.
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