oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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