Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
