I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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