my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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