Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
