3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
