Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
