so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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