Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
